EILEEN AND ME Six years ago when I came to Vashon island I began to ride around with the Senior Center (SC) bus that picks up seniors for lunch at the SC. A woman living in a shack in the deep forest would be sitting on a large rock each morning waiting for us. From the beginning she always sat next to me. After almost 2 years, when no one could possibly see, she turned and kissed me passionately. She gave the most engaging kiss I have ever known. It made me feel timeless, with no tomorrow or yesterday. One evening , after 3 years, she came to my door and asked if she could stay with me. We have been living together ever since. Our relationship deepened over the next 3 years. Eileen had many health issues but her mistrust of doctors, and almost everyone else, kept her from getting help. She would never consider taking a vaccine. I feared this was the last year we would be together because of her aversion to medical help. She would not take medications and one doctor had told her to maintain a Mediterranean diet for her extremely high BP. We made all our meals together and I tried to make them very healthy. On a Saturday morning she set out to get salad materials for our lunch. Somehow I feared, as she walked out the door, that this was the last time I would see her alive. Our town is very small. On her way to the grocery store, she was hit by a truck while she was in a crosswalk. She was airlifted to the hospital. She had immediate brain surgery. Her brother and I were there right after surgery. She was terribly broken. We returned the next morning. They removed her from life support and I held her until her little heart stopped and she became cold. I kissed her and I could feel her lips respond to mine in a final kiss. The memory of that last kiss is etched into my soul!

Prayer

I wrote this post long before my partner's death. I don' think I believe it any more. I consider myself a serious agnostic and believe the religions of the world are ignorant, dangerous, distractions. They are often based on some book, which they believe to be the word of god: the bible, the koran, the book of morman etc.. I come to this conclusion by painful experience with religions and those who believe in them. I am not an atheist because that seems to me to be as unscientific as theism. In other words: who knows?

All my life I have experienced an occasional, overwhelming, emotional state which I call prayer. It only occurs when I am absolutely desperate and in great need. I have no control over when it comes, or where I am at the time. I feel like I am uncontrollably swept away, I do not have any words, only deep groans and crys. When this state comes over me I try to be alone. Occasionally someone has been with me. They always become alarmed and want to get medical help. Outwardly I must seem to be in great pain. I try to reassure them that I am all right but, I can't speak. It seems to be what might be called a trance.

Whatever it is I absolutely know, at the time, that someone is listening and understanding. Something always changes after this experience. A situation may be resolved or my attitude may change. In any event I feel like I have been heard.

Lately I have learned that these episodes were not uncommon in the ancient world.

The Oracle of Delphi of ancient Greece

My Children

My Children, then and now.

Leonard Cohen Concert

I attended a Leonard Cohen concert at the Paramount Theater in Oakland on March 3, 2013. It had been held over a second night due to the first night's sold out performance. The theater was again packed. Scheduled for 2 hours, it lasted 4 hours with 7 curtain calls and ended with the entire audience dancing and singing in the isles. He began the concert by whispering, in his deep, whiskey voice: “I don't know when we will meet again, but tonight we will give you all we've got”.

Cohen was 78 years old. I have always cherished his poetry and music but age has perfected the man beyond anything I imagined in the past. His orchestra and accompaniment are pitch perfect. He appropriately delivers many of his songs on his knees: they are deeply personal metaphors; often more prayer than song: “Like a bird on a wire, like a drunk in a midnight choir, I have tried in my own way to be free”.

During the magnificent performance my mind kept wandering to recently published photos of our 'Milky Way” galaxy . It is easy to feel small and powerless viewing these photos. We are dwarfed by the tiny rock we ride upon, which, in turn, is surrounded by incomprehensible immensity. In my imagination I saw the Cohen group, with Cohen's verse, musical score and the complexity of the music the musicians were making, as a defiance of the meaninglessness the universe imposes upon us. From the smoky stage I dreamt of a giant fist rising into the starry night.

Things I Cannot Read Aloud

I hear middle aged whites shouting “i want my country back” and “follow the Constitoootion!” at tea party rallies. Why are they saying this? I want to ask them: “who took your country and which constitution?”. I think they are referring to the original version of the Constitution which did not prevent restrictions on voting rights or ownership of slaves. Furthermore, I think these folks look around, see a black president, lots of brown faces and unfamiliar religious symbols and say to themselves: “this is not America because America should be run by white, Christians.”

I cannot read some things aloud. There are some ideas so sacred that my voice quavers and tears fill my eyes to the point I cannot see to read. I have tried so many times to read certain passages to my children and students but to no avail. One verse comes to mind:

“- - - Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!" *

This has always been my vision of America. It stands in stark contrast to much of our history; especially today when so many demonize so called “illegal immigration”. However to me this is the essence of America.


* Poet Emma Lazarus "The New Colossus" engraved on a bronze plaque and mounted inside the Statue of Liberty

Kandinsky & Physics

Still trying to find words to help me conceptualize Vasily Kandinsky's paintings. I believe his abstract vision of reality helped physicists conceive of quantum mechanics. I was amazed when I realized his work was a progression from real to abstract.

Early in his career he begins with the familiar portrayal of nature that our senses perceive and gradually moves to the world our senses can never perceive: a vision of the actual world: one which we can never grasp with our senses and can only partially imagine. A world only artists and dreamers can see.

Burn all "holy" books!

Big flutter over burning Korans. I think we should burn all holy books! All the bible, koran, book of mormon, bhagavad gita, etc. have ever done is create divisions among us. We would be healthier and happier without any of them.

Let us seek god, if one exists, in spirit, without books or idols.